Waiting.  The calling card of infertility.  You always wait.  Wait for appointments.  Wait for results.  Wait for a positive report.  Wait for the paperwork to be completed. Wait.

When you’ve done all you can do and the promise still has not come.  When the silence of an unfulfilled dream, (regardless of what it is) mocks at you from the corners of your everyday responsibilities and you feel your heart is breaking at every passing day.  Questions surround you in the quiet moments of those 3:00 a.m. wide awake times.

How do you find the resolution in those times of extended hoping and waiting?  How do you find God’s peace and trust Him to find you when your way seems lost?

It took a long time of waiting for me to discover the fine art of not attempting to control God when your life feels out of control.  I have found that being able to journal my sometimes desperate prayers, God’s voice emerges through those pages of pain.

A scripture that has meant much to many reads:  “I waited patiently for the Lord.  He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit.  he set my feet upon a rock.  He put a new song in my mouth.”  Psalm 40:1

I did not wait patiently.  Oh how I wish I had waited patiently, but I didn’t.  I came kicking and screaming in a process of change through complete surrender.  I finally could say “yes” to His way.  I’m so glad.  My story is not in the fact of what I did, but what He did.  I found my biggest hurdle in my faith was my unbelief.  I finally realized God wanted to remove that mountain.  To believe on Jesus and what He did and what God already provided for me.

The pressure I had, was to somehow find a way to conceive or receive a child.  The brought me such intense emotional pain I’d ever known.  I worked very hard, even when the medical system could do nothing for me.  I felt that if I convinced God to heal me…. I could finally qualify to be a mother.

God my Father gently wooed me to Himself, showing me how much love He has for me.  I entered in my journal:  God accepts me, just as I am “as is”  Once created new and shiny, I had felt that I was a cast off second-hand piece at a charity shop.  God in His delight purchased me at the original value price.  He purchased me through Jesus.  I don’t have to work so hard to be accepted or approved of.  No more condemnation or fear… filled only with warmth, love and peace.

What about you my friend?  God loves you and is not concerned so much about your progress as He is drawing you to Himself in the process of becoming like Jesus.  Love is such a powerful force.  The Bible illustrates how Love (who is God) turns the table on every negative in your life.  Love enters when the heart aches to be loved.

God is drawn and responds to the person who calls on His name.  Give your heart to Jesus.  Turn from the sin of not believing in Jesus.  Turn away from anything you are doing wrong by the standards of the Word of God, (the Bible).  Accept Jesus as your Lord, Savior and Director of your Life.  Be reinvented by God’s Spirit. He is waiting for you!

“And therefore the Lord (earnestly) waits (expecting, looking and longing) to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who (earnestly) wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him (for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship).  Isaiah 30:18 Amplified



empty hand to open arms ebook (1) for Facebook, etc

ISBN:  978-1-4866-1156-0

Hopelessness and loss are the common companions of infertility.  All infertile couples long for resolution, for one more glimpse of hope, but hope fades with each attempt to conceive a child.

Paula’s story offers hope where there seems to be only waiting, pain and frustration. This is a testimony of the relentless faithfulness of God to heal the broken-hearted in surrender to His ultimate plan.  Paula’s challenge was to learn that her resolution had been there all along.


Paula’s Book   EMPTY HANDS TO OPEN ARMS:  From infertility to possibility  is available at all Christian bookstores, Christian book.com, Amazon.com, Chapters/Indigo and Kobo, Kindle and Apple E-readers.


Listen Live! CPKC Radio 1380 AM

Hi Friends!

Tonight is an exciting night for my husband and I.  We will be featured on a live call-in show :  Mini & Friends on CPKC Radio out of Brantford, Ontario 1380 AM on the dial.  It is in promotion of our story of coping with Infertility.  Our story was published in 2015, EMPTY HANDS TO OPEN ARMS:  From Infertility to Possibility.  Listen online at http://am1380.ca/  and click on Listen Live!  The Show is live tonight from 10:00 p.m. to 12:00 a.m. EST  Hope to hear you there!

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Starting Each Day Right


Each day begins with a single thought.  The Alarm!  Turn it off!  Or Oh great, I have to go to the bathroom.  Or Oh how pretty – birds!  Or  Oh how annoying – birds!  

Within moments of waking thoughts begin to flow in succession as your brain begins to process what day it is.  A work day?  A day off?  What’s the plan today?  A flurry of activity can bombard your brain as the contents of your memories and information once again begin to process.  If you do not literally control what is the second and third thought of your morning, your mind and emotions that are sure to follow will lead the way into your day.  It isn’t a reality that is necessarily a good thing.  Negative morning thoughts can spiral down to some negative emotions and the grumps.  Who wants to start their day that way?

The Lord Jesus said in Matthew 6 to “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.”  The first focus of our day needs to be God’s Kingdom and how right or justifiable He is.  Often we seek first what we want.  Our life, what we will eat, or drink, about our body, what we will wear ( and the money to purchase them) are specifics of the various things we can tend to worry about as humans.

Humans are the only species that worry.  The birds don’t worry about feather loss. The flowers don’t stress about their attire.  The grass doesn’t get too concerned about it’s hue changing with age.  They are all well provided for in nature designed by God.  These things are the essentials of life, something our Heavenly Father knows we need and lovingly provides.

“…All these things shall be added unto you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it’s own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6: 33-34

In my own waking moments I have begun this practice to put my first, or at least second thoughts upon the Lord, chatting with Him about how great  a day it’s going to be, and then I smile.  Understand that this is done regardless of how I feel.  Start each day with the positive, the reality of all that is good in  your life.  It all comes down to a choice of what you put in your mind!  I wish I had practic ed this in my own struggle with infertility:  a simple choice of thinking and putting God first in my day.  It’s made all the difference!



The Four How Longs- Thoughts from Psalm 13

For any situation…knowing and understanding what the Lord is encouraging you to do is so very helpful… consider the tests so that in the end there is a testimony!

Faith: the next level by Pastor Bob

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The four HOW LONGS- Psalm 13:1-6

In times of delay, contradiction, adversity, trial, and temptation our sense is that the condition may not pass. Our trouble seems large and difficult and all encompassing; looming like a mountain refusing moved. Our hope is all we have in these situations. Faith and hope in God. Psalm 13 records David was in great distress and brings a 4 fold plea to God asking Him “How Long”. His pleas reveal how we are tested in our trials…How long will you forget me? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

  •  The “Forsaken ” test– How long wilt thou FORGET ME
    • The greatest test of all- My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?- Mat 27:46
    • You…

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Infertility’s Isolation

The drapes are drawn, the sun shines brightly, but for now it’s glow and warmth is held at bay.  The TV mumbles something in the background droning on in its purpose at the moment to drown out the thoughts of helplessness and sorrow.

The pregnancy test still sits in silence, abandoned with a negative result on the bathroom counter where she left it.  She was so sure this time.  All the cues were there and she’d hoped so strongly that this was the moment.  She hasn’t told him yet.  She thinks to herself that she couldn’t bear that look in her husband’s eyes and hear the words, “I’m sorry Honey” once again.

She’s often imagined the scene where she in her private glee, waits for her husband to awake from sleep.  She planned to have the tiny knitted baby nightie and hat lay calmly on the pillow where she usually slept.  Upon waking, he’d see and know immediately that their heart’s longing had been answered.  They’d be parents!  They would embrace until one of them could not hold the squeal of joy one moment more. She imagined the little girl’s sweet sleepy pout at the early morning feedings.  The prophetic pictures of her two-year old wading in the puddles after a winter melt. A funny five-year-old princess that parades and twirls with royal elegance.  Images that now squeeze with a painful ache.  She feels she’s failed again.

Hands cover her eyes as she lets the pain take her again and sobs give release to tears that liberate the pressure in her heart.  She feels so alone.


Isolation and pain seem to go hand in hand at times.

Some individuals can find places in their time alone as an occasion to recharge and find new strength.  This is a healthy practice for the introverts among us.

What is it about the raw emotion and real situations that cause us to retreat and hide from the ones that care about us the most?  Are we still afraid of being that vulnerable?

Where do we find the courage to let others in?  It requires trust and a feeling of being safe in our vulnerability.

Many moments in my life I have found that place of feeling so very alone when facing the infertility diagnosis I was thrust into and I felt no one could understand. I had to come to that place where i could let it go and release that pressure though the scene repeated time and again.  My full story can be found here:  http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com/  Believe me it was easier to write the book than to live it.

On the other side of my resolution where God intervened and picked me up in my surrender I did finally find the courage to share my struggles and I have found peace. Don’t face infertility in its darkness alone.  Firstly there is Jesus who understands and the Bible says, “feels” the feelings of our pain.  He is praying for you as you agonize in those moments of pain.  Secondly, God has placed many who care and who have a hug and a shoulder to weep with  you, pray with you and are not ashamed of your hurt… many who are not put off by your tears.

Who is she in my mini story above?  She is me.

Dear Card Company**

** Well known Card companies now carry real life need cards like cancer diagnosis, child-loss, infertility, and suicide:  When words are not enough…  Here is a letter i wished I could have written to express what distress Mother’s day advertising did to my heart.


Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

Dear Card Company,

Okay.  So yesterday was Mother’s Day!  I found that this was the year that I found such peace in celebrating the newly found Mother-hood I have as a Caregiver for the children in my work.  It has been a process and I wanted to let you know that although you were not completely responsible for my distress, your pretty cards, gifts and mementos on display at the shopping centre did make tiny incisions in my heart each time I walked past, during the years I experienced the most pain in my infertility journey.

I understand that you, the company began making Mother’s Day cards in the 1920’s. This is where the tradition  began in North America for the 2nd Sunday in May to celebrate the Mothers all around us.  I get it.  It’s good to say thank you Mom for all the things that she has done in raising all of us.  I bet you didn’t know though that that simple gesture of creating those cards would start a holiday that would have everyone celebrating with gifts, cards, dinners out, tributes, commercials on TV, special ads on the internet, inspire poetry, photos, blog posts, tweets on twitter and numerous reminders for those of us trying our hardest to conceive.

Since it would devastate sales at this time of year to ask you to remove said holiday cards, I believe we would could come up with a compromise.  Since in some ways infertility can cause individuals to suffer in silence, let’s give these men (on Father’s Day) and women a voice in creating cards that reflect the difficulty at this time of year.

For example:

I know Mother’s day can hurt.  Please know I care…

Wishing you all that you desire on Mother’s day…one day, your very own!  Take comfort from a caring friend.

Hoping and praying with you for all the dreams you long for.  Let your broken heart heal with the love that surrounds you today.

This would acknowledge and give hope to many individuals suffering from infertility and assist with breaking the silence.

Thank you!

Your Friend