The drapes are drawn, the sun shines brightly, but for now it’s glow and warmth is held at bay. The TV mumbles something in the background droning on in its purpose at the moment to drown out the thoughts of helplessness and sorrow.
The pregnancy test still sits in silence, abandoned with a negative result on the bathroom counter where she left it. She was so sure this time. All the cues were there and she’d hoped so strongly that this was the moment. She hasn’t told him yet. She thinks to herself that she couldn’t bear that look in her husband’s eyes and hear the words, “I’m sorry Honey” once again.
She’s often imagined the scene where she in her private glee, waits for her husband to awake from sleep. She planned to have the tiny knitted baby nightie and hat lay calmly on the pillow where she usually slept. Upon waking, he’d see and know immediately that their heart’s longing had been answered. They’d be parents! They would embrace until one of them could not hold the squeal of joy one moment more. She imagined the little girl’s sweet sleepy pout at the early morning feedings. The prophetic pictures of her two-year old wading in the puddles after a winter melt. A funny five-year-old princess that parades and twirls with royal elegance. Images that now squeeze with a painful ache. She feels she’s failed again.
Hands cover her eyes as she lets the pain take her again and sobs give release to tears that liberate the pressure in her heart. She feels so alone.
Isolation and pain seem to go hand in hand at times.
Some individuals can find places in their time alone as an occasion to recharge and find new strength. This is a healthy practice for the introverts among us.
What is it about the raw emotion and real situations that cause us to retreat and hide from the ones that care about us the most? Are we still afraid of being that vulnerable?
Where do we find the courage to let others in? It requires trust and a feeling of being safe in our vulnerability.
Many moments in my life I have found that place of feeling so very alone when facing the infertility diagnosis I was thrust into and I felt no one could understand. I had to come to that place where i could let it go and release that pressure though the scene repeated time and again. My full story can be found here: http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com/ Believe me it was easier to write the book than to live it.
On the other side of my resolution where God intervened and picked me up in my surrender I did finally find the courage to share my struggles and I have found peace. Don’t face infertility in its darkness alone. Firstly there is Jesus who understands and the Bible says, “feels” the feelings of our pain. He is praying for you as you agonize in those moments of pain. Secondly, God has placed many who care and who have a hug and a shoulder to weep with you, pray with you and are not ashamed of your hurt… many who are not put off by your tears.
Who is she in my mini story above? She is me.