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Infertility’s Isolation

The drapes are drawn, the sun shines brightly, but for now it’s glow and warmth is held at bay.  The TV mumbles something in the background droning on in its purpose at the moment to drown out the thoughts of helplessness and sorrow.

The pregnancy test still sits in silence, abandoned with a negative result on the bathroom counter where she left it.  She was so sure this time.  All the cues were there and she’d hoped so strongly that this was the moment.  She hasn’t told him yet.  She thinks to herself that she couldn’t bear that look in her husband’s eyes and hear the words, “I’m sorry Honey” once again.

She’s often imagined the scene where she in her private glee, waits for her husband to awake from sleep.  She planned to have the tiny knitted baby nightie and hat lay calmly on the pillow where she usually slept.  Upon waking, he’d see and know immediately that their heart’s longing had been answered.  They’d be parents!  They would embrace until one of them could not hold the squeal of joy one moment more. She imagined the little girl’s sweet sleepy pout at the early morning feedings.  The prophetic pictures of her two-year old wading in the puddles after a winter melt. A funny five-year-old princess that parades and twirls with royal elegance.  Images that now squeeze with a painful ache.  She feels she’s failed again.

Hands cover her eyes as she lets the pain take her again and sobs give release to tears that liberate the pressure in her heart.  She feels so alone.

…..

Isolation and pain seem to go hand in hand at times.

Some individuals can find places in their time alone as an occasion to recharge and find new strength.  This is a healthy practice for the introverts among us.

What is it about the raw emotion and real situations that cause us to retreat and hide from the ones that care about us the most?  Are we still afraid of being that vulnerable?

Where do we find the courage to let others in?  It requires trust and a feeling of being safe in our vulnerability.

Many moments in my life I have found that place of feeling so very alone when facing the infertility diagnosis I was thrust into and I felt no one could understand. I had to come to that place where i could let it go and release that pressure though the scene repeated time and again.  My full story can be found here:  http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com/  Believe me it was easier to write the book than to live it.

On the other side of my resolution where God intervened and picked me up in my surrender I did finally find the courage to share my struggles and I have found peace. Don’t face infertility in its darkness alone.  Firstly there is Jesus who understands and the Bible says, “feels” the feelings of our pain.  He is praying for you as you agonize in those moments of pain.  Secondly, God has placed many who care and who have a hug and a shoulder to weep with  you, pray with you and are not ashamed of your hurt… many who are not put off by your tears.

Who is she in my mini story above?  She is me.

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Waiting

waiting

Waiting.  The calling card of infertility.  You always wait.  Wait for appointments.  Wait for results.  Wait for a positive report.  Wait for the paperwork to be completed. Wait.

When you’ve done all you can do and the promise still has not come.  When the silence of an unfulfilled dream, (regardless of what it is) mocks at you from the corners of your everyday responsibilities and you feel your heart is breaking at every passing day.  Questions surround you in the quiet moments of those 3:00 a.m. wide awake times.

How do you find the resolution in those times of extended hoping and waiting?  How do you find God’s peace and trust Him to find you when your way seems lost?

It took a long time of waiting for me to discover the fine art of not attempting to control God when your life feels out of control.  I have found that being able to journal my sometimes desperate prayers, God’s voice emerges through those pages of pain.

A scripture that has meant much to many reads:  “I waited patiently for the Lord.  He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit.  he set my feet upon a rock.  He put a new song in my mouth.”  Psalm 40:1

I did not wait patiently.  Oh how I wish I had waited patiently, but I didn’t.  I came kicking and screaming in a process of change through complete surrender.  I finally could say “yes” to His way.  I’m so glad.  My story is not in the fact of what I did, but what He did.  I found my biggest hurdle in my faith was my unbelief.  I finally realized God wanted to remove that mountain.  To believe on Jesus and what He did and what God already provided for me.

The pressure I had, was to somehow find a way to conceive or receive a child.  The brought me such intense emotional pain I’d ever known.  I worked very hard, even when the medical system could do nothing for me.  I felt that if I convinced God to heal me…. I could finally qualify to be a mother.

God my Father gently wooed me to Himself, showing me how much love He has for me.  I entered in my journal:  God accepts me, just as I am “as is”  Once created new and shiny, I had felt that I was a cast off second-hand piece at a charity shop.  God in His delight purchased me at the original value price.  He purchased me through Jesus.  I don’t have to work so hard to be accepted or approved of.  No more condemnation or fear… filled only with warmth, love and peace.

What about you my friend?  God loves you and is not concerned so much about your progress as He is drawing you to Himself in the process of becoming like Jesus.  Love is such a powerful force.  The Bible illustrates how Love (who is God) turns the table on every negative in your life.  Love enters when the heart aches to be loved.

God is drawn and responds to the person who calls on His name.  Give your heart to Jesus.  Turn from the sin of not believing in Jesus.  Turn away from anything you are doing wrong by the standards of the Word of God, (the Bible).  Accept Jesus as your Lord, Savior and Director of your Life.  Be reinvented by God’s Spirit. He is waiting for you!

“And therefore the Lord (earnestly) waits (expecting, looking and longing) to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who (earnestly) wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him (for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship).  Isaiah 30:18 Amplified

__________________________

 

empty hand to open arms ebook (1) for Facebook, etc

ISBN:  978-1-4866-1156-0

Hopelessness and loss are the common companions of infertility.  All infertile couples long for resolution, for one more glimpse of hope, but hope fades with each attempt to conceive a child.

Paula’s story offers hope where there seems to be only waiting, pain and frustration. This is a testimony of the relentless faithfulness of God to heal the broken-hearted in surrender to His ultimate plan.  Paula’s challenge was to learn that her resolution had been there all along.

http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com

Paula’s Book   EMPTY HANDS TO OPEN ARMS:  From infertility to possibility  is available at all Christian bookstores, Christian book.com, Amazon.com, Chapters/Indigo and Kobo, Kindle and Apple E-readers.

 

Listen Live! CPKC Radio 1380 AM

Hi Friends!

Tonight is an exciting night for my husband and I.  We will be featured on a live call-in show :  Mini & Friends on CPKC Radio out of Brantford, Ontario 1380 AM on the dial.  It is in promotion of our story of coping with Infertility.  Our story was published in 2015, EMPTY HANDS TO OPEN ARMS:  From Infertility to Possibility.  Listen online at http://am1380.ca/  and click on Listen Live!  The Show is live tonight from 10:00 p.m. to 12:00 a.m. EST  Hope to hear you there!

Dario's pics ending July 9th 387Dario's pics ending July 9th 385

Infertility’s Isolation

The drapes are drawn, the sun shines brightly, but for now it’s glow and warmth is held at bay.  The TV mumbles something in the background droning on in its purpose at the moment to drown out the thoughts of helplessness and sorrow.

The pregnancy test still sits in silence, abandoned with a negative result on the bathroom counter where she left it.  She was so sure this time.  All the cues were there and she’d hoped so strongly that this was the moment.  She hasn’t told him yet.  She thinks to herself that she couldn’t bear that look in her husband’s eyes and hear the words, “I’m sorry Honey” once again.

She’s often imagined the scene where she in her private glee, waits for her husband to awake from sleep.  She planned to have the tiny knitted baby nightie and hat lay calmly on the pillow where she usually slept.  Upon waking, he’d see and know immediately that their heart’s longing had been answered.  They’d be parents!  They would embrace until one of them could not hold the squeal of joy one moment more. She imagined the little girl’s sweet sleepy pout at the early morning feedings.  The prophetic pictures of her two-year old wading in the puddles after a winter melt. A funny five-year-old princess that parades and twirls with royal elegance.  Images that now squeeze with a painful ache.  She feels she’s failed again.

Hands cover her eyes as she lets the pain take her again and sobs give release to tears that liberate the pressure in her heart.  She feels so alone.

…..

Isolation and pain seem to go hand in hand at times.

Some individuals can find places in their time alone as an occasion to recharge and find new strength.  This is a healthy practice for the introverts among us.

What is it about the raw emotion and real situations that cause us to retreat and hide from the ones that care about us the most?  Are we still afraid of being that vulnerable?

Where do we find the courage to let others in?  It requires trust and a feeling of being safe in our vulnerability.

Many moments in my life I have found that place of feeling so very alone when facing the infertility diagnosis I was thrust into and I felt no one could understand. I had to come to that place where i could let it go and release that pressure though the scene repeated time and again.  My full story can be found here:  http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com/  Believe me it was easier to write the book than to live it.

On the other side of my resolution where God intervened and picked me up in my surrender I did finally find the courage to share my struggles and I have found peace. Don’t face infertility in its darkness alone.  Firstly there is Jesus who understands and the Bible says, “feels” the feelings of our pain.  He is praying for you as you agonize in those moments of pain.  Secondly, God has placed many who care and who have a hug and a shoulder to weep with  you, pray with you and are not ashamed of your hurt… many who are not put off by your tears.

Who is she in my mini story above?  She is me.