Tag Archive | Infertility resolved

Infertility’s Isolation

The drapes are drawn, the sun shines brightly, but for now it’s glow and warmth is held at bay.  The TV mumbles something in the background droning on in its purpose at the moment to drown out the thoughts of helplessness and sorrow.

The pregnancy test still sits in silence, abandoned with a negative result on the bathroom counter where she left it.  She was so sure this time.  All the cues were there and she’d hoped so strongly that this was the moment.  She hasn’t told him yet.  She thinks to herself that she couldn’t bear that look in her husband’s eyes and hear the words, “I’m sorry Honey” once again.

She’s often imagined the scene where she in her private glee, waits for her husband to awake from sleep.  She planned to have the tiny knitted baby nightie and hat lay calmly on the pillow where she usually slept.  Upon waking, he’d see and know immediately that their heart’s longing had been answered.  They’d be parents!  They would embrace until one of them could not hold the squeal of joy one moment more. She imagined the little girl’s sweet sleepy pout at the early morning feedings.  The prophetic pictures of her two-year old wading in the puddles after a winter melt. A funny five-year-old princess that parades and twirls with royal elegance.  Images that now squeeze with a painful ache.  She feels she’s failed again.

Hands cover her eyes as she lets the pain take her again and sobs give release to tears that liberate the pressure in her heart.  She feels so alone.

…..

Isolation and pain seem to go hand in hand at times.

Some individuals can find places in their time alone as an occasion to recharge and find new strength.  This is a healthy practice for the introverts among us.

What is it about the raw emotion and real situations that cause us to retreat and hide from the ones that care about us the most?  Are we still afraid of being that vulnerable?

Where do we find the courage to let others in?  It requires trust and a feeling of being safe in our vulnerability.

Many moments in my life I have found that place of feeling so very alone when facing the infertility diagnosis I was thrust into and I felt no one could understand. I had to come to that place where i could let it go and release that pressure though the scene repeated time and again.  My full story can be found here:  http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com/  Believe me it was easier to write the book than to live it.

On the other side of my resolution where God intervened and picked me up in my surrender I did finally find the courage to share my struggles and I have found peace. Don’t face infertility in its darkness alone.  Firstly there is Jesus who understands and the Bible says, “feels” the feelings of our pain.  He is praying for you as you agonize in those moments of pain.  Secondly, God has placed many who care and who have a hug and a shoulder to weep with  you, pray with you and are not ashamed of your hurt… many who are not put off by your tears.

Who is she in my mini story above?  She is me.

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Infertility’s Isolation

The drapes are drawn, the sun shines brightly, but for now it’s glow and warmth is held at bay.  The TV mumbles something in the background droning on in its purpose at the moment to drown out the thoughts of helplessness and sorrow.

The pregnancy test still sits in silence, abandoned with a negative result on the bathroom counter where she left it.  She was so sure this time.  All the cues were there and she’d hoped so strongly that this was the moment.  She hasn’t told him yet.  She thinks to herself that she couldn’t bear that look in her husband’s eyes and hear the words, “I’m sorry Honey” once again.

She’s often imagined the scene where she in her private glee, waits for her husband to awake from sleep.  She planned to have the tiny knitted baby nightie and hat lay calmly on the pillow where she usually slept.  Upon waking, he’d see and know immediately that their heart’s longing had been answered.  They’d be parents!  They would embrace until one of them could not hold the squeal of joy one moment more. She imagined the little girl’s sweet sleepy pout at the early morning feedings.  The prophetic pictures of her two-year old wading in the puddles after a winter melt. A funny five-year-old princess that parades and twirls with royal elegance.  Images that now squeeze with a painful ache.  She feels she’s failed again.

Hands cover her eyes as she lets the pain take her again and sobs give release to tears that liberate the pressure in her heart.  She feels so alone.

…..

Isolation and pain seem to go hand in hand at times.

Some individuals can find places in their time alone as an occasion to recharge and find new strength.  This is a healthy practice for the introverts among us.

What is it about the raw emotion and real situations that cause us to retreat and hide from the ones that care about us the most?  Are we still afraid of being that vulnerable?

Where do we find the courage to let others in?  It requires trust and a feeling of being safe in our vulnerability.

Many moments in my life I have found that place of feeling so very alone when facing the infertility diagnosis I was thrust into and I felt no one could understand. I had to come to that place where i could let it go and release that pressure though the scene repeated time and again.  My full story can be found here:  http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com/  Believe me it was easier to write the book than to live it.

On the other side of my resolution where God intervened and picked me up in my surrender I did finally find the courage to share my struggles and I have found peace. Don’t face infertility in its darkness alone.  Firstly there is Jesus who understands and the Bible says, “feels” the feelings of our pain.  He is praying for you as you agonize in those moments of pain.  Secondly, God has placed many who care and who have a hug and a shoulder to weep with  you, pray with you and are not ashamed of your hurt… many who are not put off by your tears.

Who is she in my mini story above?  She is me.

When We Become a Mother or Father

I am very pleased to re-blog this post for the purpose of sharing with others that there is hope in IF and there is recovery and finally yes RESOLUTION. The details and experiences of the above differs as much as there are differences of experiences with infertility. I have much respect for Justine and her message of hope in the midst of pain and the continued effort she puts forth daily to continue “Ever Upward” Well written, well shared and well lived!

Ever Upward™

A deep knowing breath.

The warmth of a soul scar healing just a bit more.

A sense of truth, understanding and validation.

This is just a tiny sense of what I felt when I read these words from Lindsey Henke in her Still Standing post.

“But in my opinion a mother isn’t born when a child is born. A mother and father are born when the dream of a child is conceived.”

There are times when I allow my comparison, scarcity and shame to dim my light and I am fearful of sharing my story. This fear is born out of the messages I tell myself. The messages that have actually been said out loud to me. And, the messages that society drills into me.

There will be some who will never ever consider me a mother. The ones who say I didn’t try enough. The ones who judge…

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Myths About Childfree Living

Photo by Paula

Photo by Paula

I have chosen a reprint of an article I read recently about the myths around child-free living.

NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) through RESOLVE.org is an organization dedicated to assisting individuals and couples cope with the devastation of infertility and assist with providing information when their quest goes to a specialist in trying to conceive.    As an American organization, they strive to enhance understanding to everyone that infertility is a condition that needs and deserves attention and to educate the public on its impact to people in this state.

Click on this link below for an incredible article:

Myths About Child-Free Living.

In Memory of Cassia Part Two: Children Found

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

 

Cassia was our dream child, conceived only in our imagination.  For my husband and me the qualities we valued in a child would not be claimed in our own offspring.

Unknown to me, God was unfolding a wonderful surprise in our lives.  An amazing thing began to happen when I said yes to a Nursery School Teaching position seven years ago.

I loved teaching little people.  I knew this very special little school had me hooked during my entrance interview.  I took a seat opposite the owner and main Teacher in the Montessori and Day Nursery.  I was pleasantly amused when after this husband and wife team were seated, their two year old son pulled up a chair!  His opinion mattered too!

I must have made an impression because this began a wonderful relationship with 2 year old Colton* and later his little sister Karen* whom I met when she was just three hours old.  She marked the occasion by pooping on me that first day.  Colton and Karen both made their way through my Nursery Class and parked permanently in my heart.  They attended my Summer Day Camp and enjoyed sleepovers together at our house.

Hugs and snuggles became our daily routine for hellos and goodbyes.  It was wonderful watching them grow and blossom into the school age and preteen children they are today.

Eva* was 2 1/2 when she tiptoed into my Nursery class and simultaneously crawled into my heart.  She had a quiet wisdom about her and loved to laugh.  She always encouraged me with her smile.  Her long blonde hair was fun to pull together into ponytail or pigtails.  They often fell apart due to a nervous habit of pulling strands of hair out.  Today she is a Kindergarten graduate and will soon welcome a little sibling into her and her parents’ lives.

Brothers Carter* and Walter* stepped into our school boisterous and unafraid.  First Carter then Walter, one year later enjoyed the environment of school and play.  Carter was loved immediately by all the girls in Senior Kindergarten while younger brother Walter’s quiet personality “morphed” into a comedic energetic kid.  Today Carter is the “bug” man, sharing fascinating facts about all six or eight legged creatures.  Walter today is the weather man for his family, sharing weather predictions and nature’s storms.  Both boys share the role of big brother for Little J, the child I am present day Nanny.

My husband and I didn’t realize that God had been answering our prayers all these years.  Though they are not our own, these three families are children found to us.  They all have come and have celebrated a special warm relationship with us.  As a couple we are focused on these children and are to them unofficial ‘God-parents’.  Birthdays, Christmas, play dates and celebrations are a part of our lives too!  We love them just as we would our own.  This is the best tribute we can give in memory of Cassia.

*Names Changed