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Waiting

waiting

Waiting.  The calling card of infertility.  You always wait.  Wait for appointments.  Wait for results.  Wait for a positive report.  Wait for the paperwork to be completed. Wait.

When you’ve done all you can do and the promise still has not come.  When the silence of an unfulfilled dream, (regardless of what it is) mocks at you from the corners of your everyday responsibilities and you feel your heart is breaking at every passing day.  Questions surround you in the quiet moments of those 3:00 a.m. wide awake times.

How do you find the resolution in those times of extended hoping and waiting?  How do you find God’s peace and trust Him to find you when your way seems lost?

It took a long time of waiting for me to discover the fine art of not attempting to control God when your life feels out of control.  I have found that being able to journal my sometimes desperate prayers, God’s voice emerges through those pages of pain.

A scripture that has meant much to many reads:  “I waited patiently for the Lord.  He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit.  he set my feet upon a rock.  He put a new song in my mouth.”  Psalm 40:1

I did not wait patiently.  Oh how I wish I had waited patiently, but I didn’t.  I came kicking and screaming in a process of change through complete surrender.  I finally could say “yes” to His way.  I’m so glad.  My story is not in the fact of what I did, but what He did.  I found my biggest hurdle in my faith was my unbelief.  I finally realized God wanted to remove that mountain.  To believe on Jesus and what He did and what God already provided for me.

The pressure I had, was to somehow find a way to conceive or receive a child.  The brought me such intense emotional pain I’d ever known.  I worked very hard, even when the medical system could do nothing for me.  I felt that if I convinced God to heal me…. I could finally qualify to be a mother.

God my Father gently wooed me to Himself, showing me how much love He has for me.  I entered in my journal:  God accepts me, just as I am “as is”  Once created new and shiny, I had felt that I was a cast off second-hand piece at a charity shop.  God in His delight purchased me at the original value price.  He purchased me through Jesus.  I don’t have to work so hard to be accepted or approved of.  No more condemnation or fear… filled only with warmth, love and peace.

What about you my friend?  God loves you and is not concerned so much about your progress as He is drawing you to Himself in the process of becoming like Jesus.  Love is such a powerful force.  The Bible illustrates how Love (who is God) turns the table on every negative in your life.  Love enters when the heart aches to be loved.

God is drawn and responds to the person who calls on His name.  Give your heart to Jesus.  Turn from the sin of not believing in Jesus.  Turn away from anything you are doing wrong by the standards of the Word of God, (the Bible).  Accept Jesus as your Lord, Savior and Director of your Life.  Be reinvented by God’s Spirit. He is waiting for you!

“And therefore the Lord (earnestly) waits (expecting, looking and longing) to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who (earnestly) wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him (for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship).  Isaiah 30:18 Amplified

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empty hand to open arms ebook (1) for Facebook, etc

ISBN:  978-1-4866-1156-0

Hopelessness and loss are the common companions of infertility.  All infertile couples long for resolution, for one more glimpse of hope, but hope fades with each attempt to conceive a child.

Paula’s story offers hope where there seems to be only waiting, pain and frustration. This is a testimony of the relentless faithfulness of God to heal the broken-hearted in surrender to His ultimate plan.  Paula’s challenge was to learn that her resolution had been there all along.

http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com

Paula’s Book   EMPTY HANDS TO OPEN ARMS:  From infertility to possibility  is available at all Christian bookstores, Christian book.com, Amazon.com, Chapters/Indigo and Kobo, Kindle and Apple E-readers.

 

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Writer’s Block

blank page

Sigh!  The blank page before me waits silently and pauses for impressive greatness from my mind to be collected and imprinted.

They are only words, yet they possess a power to comfort, anger, encourage, to bore or to entertain.

It is these words that my fingers reach for in a mind contented at the moment to be in quiet peaceful calm.  Therefore, silently the blank page before me waits.

Let us all go enjoy the day!

 

http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com  and available through Word Alive Press and wherever fine Christian books are sold.  It is also available through Amazon.com, Chapters/Indigo, and Ebook, Kobo and Kindle.

Hopelessness and loss are common companions of infertility.  Paula describes the loss of a child she conceived only in her imagination.  She illuminates her struggle in persuading God to grant her greatest wish.  ISBN:  978-1-4866-1156-0

 

 

Finding the Sun

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

I am unsure about these dreary autumn days, when the weather is cooling for no apparent reason and the leaves are making their suicidal leaps into the wind.  It’s not that I really mind the yellow-orange and red hues that are beginning to decorate the trees and my driveway.  I actually love the fall.  I think it’s that it is way too early to give up on the sandals, capris and cool cotton shirts.  I find myself longing for the days of summer and technically summer is supposed to still be here.

In a comical moment I tried tying on clumps of leaves onto tree branches to encourage them to “hang in there’ just a little bit longer.  The children I care for found this extremely amusing.  They giggled when I crazily ran with a group of geese in ‘v’ formation urging them in futility  to “come back!”

I find myself describing these days as “in limbo”  just as the summer is setting,  the winter will dawn and autumn doesn’t seem to fit it’s time.  It’s a restless season, wanting to move on and yet longing for the warmth and joys of the past season.

This restlessness is searching… searching for a bit of the unknown joy that is sure to come, yet undefined in this moment.  I wonder what I will be, and who I will be and if it is not too late in the autumn of my life to find a new me.  My search for meaning as a Mother has brought me to a joy of release of that pressure to engage in motherhood in only one clearly defined way.  Giving birth to my own children was not a dream I could possess within my own power.  My many attempts to bring children into our home through adoption were exhausting.  Finally in surrender, I found that my prayers for meaningful relationships with the “Littles” in my life proved to be all the satisfaction I needed.  So why the restlessness now…

In many ways I long for the full defining of pursuit.  In looking beyond for a clear possession, regardless of the pain it involved, in hindsight, still seems purposeful.    I am looking for a tangible purpose that defines the ‘how’ of bringing glory to the God I serve.  In the midst of these sometimes grey days, I am looking for the Sun.  Yet I am not sad.

I am searching for the next possibility to achieve, the next goal, the next dream.  In my search I am finding the warmth of God’s love for me and His word to me to “Stay Faithful”  After all when Jesus walked this earth, He discovered His purpose for His life as He was faithful as a child to “be about His Father’s business’ and then later He remained faithful to the skills His own earthly Father had taught Him.  His life in assisting Jesus earthly father as a carpenter gave Him the physical stamina to withstand the tortures of the cross.  So each day, as the sun still dawns, I will be about my “Father’s Business” and I will remain faithful to skills I have been taught, until my purpose is further revealed.

Raining on a Sunny Day – Conclusion

sunshine

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

It was often dark and cold… but the layout was huge.  Our apartment is nothing like our house.  Our house that we’d sold was bright and warm.  this basement apartment is not.  Our sold home had storage and three bedrooms, this only had two rooms.

The appeal in taking this apartment had nothing to do with how it looked, although at first glance it did appear to look pretty good, after my husband applied a coat of warm toned paint to it’s walls.  I was glad for it because it had the space we needed to pour a house full of items into an apartment with no storage.  Well, it did have storage, however the landlords had laid claim to that on our  basement level.  I was also glad for it because it contained a space to set up a bedroom.   A child’s room.  We had had a bedroom set up in every home we owned, just in case.  At first it contained a maple crip with matching change table and simple chest of drawers.  Everything was arranged perfectly in Classic Winni-the-pooh.  I loved it.  That was a very long time ago.  In our house the child’s bedroom contained maple wood as well, however it had changed to a single bed with a head and foot board, very simply cut and assembled.  The corner had a simple nightstand, bookcase to match and a small desk in the opposite corner.  The third corner held the door while the fourth was graced with a slide rocking chair.  To me it was perfect, waiting and ready.

So were we.  This new apartment had the space for most of those bedroom items and I found myself setting this child’s room up for it’s soon to come friend.

All that is left is the home inspection and to wait, I told myself as I busied my hands.   Our Children’s Aid Worker didn’t seem concerned as to the urgency of that inspection.  We had passed with flying colors in our sold home and she was assured that we could bring a facility to safety compliance within a short period of time.  Once again, we waited.

“Eight months and here we go again”, I said out loud to no one.  I sighed as I began the packing once again to move.  It had only been eight months in our not so new apartment.  My husband had landed a new position in a new city and we had to relocate.   My only hope was that possibly, quite possibly our child would be in this new city in this new County.

The country is beautiful even on a cold winter afternoon. My husband and I have found a restful place in this new home in the countryside.  I have looked to perfect the very elements that would normally have thrilled me.  This time setting up a child’s room has a heaviness to it now.  These past months have revealed more delays and a sense of indifference in the agency we have applied to to adopt a child. I  am weary of the wait and the news of more paperwork to update our file is both frustrating and understandable. There is opposition within my own heart as to whether there is still enough “wait” left in me.

After tme and conversation my husband and I have come to the conclusion that at this time in our lives, it’s time to let it go.  We are not prepared to continue to wait and wait, putting everything on hold.  We are moving forwardto close this chapter in our lives.  We will live child-free.

So here we are at what seems to be the end of our journey… yet it is only the beginning.  We have made the decision to be child free in our lives.  It doesn’t mean that we are disliking children.  We are choosing to take back our life again.  It has been a painful decision, but a good one.  We are both free to dream again… our lives are ours again.  We are looking at the future from a brighter perspective.