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With empty hands of infertility comes a certain determination of wanting to do things with absolute perfection. In longing for a child I found such determination in searching out possible solutions. I however could never reach that point of doing everything absolutely right. In many ways I perceived I had failed when my attempts to conceive or to adopt because I could not accomplish once simple task of becoming a mother in the physical sense.
This sense of failure brought out in me such a longing to be released from that fear of childless future, to find a place of peace and a sense of being loved.
Some days in pain, some days in quiet thoughts, I would approach God. I’d bow my knee and connect once again with the One who knew me so very well. Here at my Heavenly Father’s feet I poured out my heart.
“Lord, life hurts! I know you have a plan for me and for all this but I don’t understand. Can you understand how my heart breaks, how my heart cannot mend. I want a child so very badly. I feel so very alone. Perfect Love is who You are Lord Jesus. It is the greatest description of You God. You are Love and when I come in close to You I pray you would envelop me in that love and displace the fear, displace this pain.I want that peace to walk in, simply to trust You and let You love me with that perfect love. My desire is to be made perfect in love.”
“My dear one, It is true that there cannot be fear and love together. They are opposite. Fear is the confident expectation of bad, or dread and it’s presence seeks to drive out My love. You cannot walk in both simultaneously, one always casts out the other. Fear and love cannot coexist together.Fear is tormenting and your prayer to be made perfect in love is a good prayer. One that I am working in you to perfect. Perfect love and perfect peace go hand in hand. I am perfect and you too are perfect in Me. You are and have everything complete in you.”
There is no fear in love for perfect love casts out fear because fear involves torment. but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4;18
Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us, that we should be called the Sons of God. 1 John 3:1
http://www.emptyhandsopenarms.com and available through Word Alive Press and wherever fine Christian books are sold.
Hopelessness and loss are common companions of infertility. Paula describes the loss of a child she conceived only in her imagination. She illuminates her struggle in persuading God to grant her greatest wish. ISBN: 978-1-4866-1156-0