These are excerpts from a hurting heart as I collected in my journal. I have wondered if possibly, quite possibly there may be one person or more that may benefit from the encouragement God had given me in the year preceding my ultimate resolution of infertility for my husband and I. This and other postings to come reveal my heart hunger to have God answer my struggle, not just to be free, but to find a peace for my life. As I look back on those pages I am amazed at what the Lord has done for me. This is His story of healing a broken heart, one prayer at a time.
Dear Heavenly Father,
“Freedom. I’m looking for it. I’m certainly not going to try harder to find it. I’ve come to a simple place where I’ve come between ‘try harder’ and ‘give up’. In many ways I have given up. A surrender, perhaps, I cannot do it or make freedom happen. I’ve looked for it and made myself look really good in effort to have it. In order to please You and to be a pleasure. I’m finding that’s not working for me. So I have stopped. I am looking for you Lord. Only You. Not some answer to prayer or for a miracle child that I cannot produce. Only You.”
The dark cloud of doubt fogs my heart. I am doing a cognitive battle with how God answers our prayers. Is it through sovereignty of God or moved by the prayer of faith? Prayers that go unanswered are the ones that go unasked. I cannot judge God’s faithfulness based on my own presumption of time. In God’s own wisdom He answers in the timing of His will as He sees all.
Barren Hannah of the Bible came yearly to the house of the Lord, wept often and did not eat due to her own infertility and the provocation of her sister, second wife to her husband. We are not told how old she was or how many times Hannah wept and prayed. Perhaps this was Hannah’s first time praying to God. I think not. Perhaps God was simply waiting for this moment to intervene with encouragement from the Eli the High Priest that day. We don’t know.
Scripture describes her journey in asking:
1 Samuel verse 10: And she (Hannah) was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish.
1 Samuel verse 12: …as she continued praying before the Lord, Eli watched her…
1 Samuel verse 17: …Eli answered and said, “Go in peace and the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of Him.”
1 Samuel verse 20: So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son and called his name Samuel (meaning heard by God), saying, “because I have asked for him from the Lord.”
Hannah was always in the hands of her sovereign God, who determined the status in the process of His own timing. Hannah cooperated in that she prayed diligently with tears that God would answer. Could it be a combination of both? Or could it be that there is no correct formula for getting God to do anything. I wonder if it is in simple trust.
“You oh Lord are so worthy and You bring all things that I need for life and Godliness. I am praising You Lord for setting me free from a dark cloud of bitterness in my soul.”
“I have given you My peace, my daughter and I have forgiven and cleansed you, in a moment of all those things that you have been tormented by. You are free! Allow Me to change you, to work in You. So precious are you to Me, my child. Precious is your prayer to Me and precious is your rest in My arms. How I have longed to gather you in My arms this way. You have found your way into My heart. Never doubt My love for you.”
www.emptyhandsopenarms.com and available through Word Alive Press and wherever fine Christian books are sold.
Hopelessness and loss are common companions of infertility. Paula describes the loss of a child she conceived only in her imagination. She illuminates her struggle in persuading God to grant her greatest wish. ISBN: 978-1-4866-1156-0