It happened… today at my new job, today the little J that I nanny looked at me while drinking his formula and smiled. His warmth in that big open-mouthed, corners upturned and expression of joy at being with me removed the chill from the winter air. This little person almost three months old has welcomed me into his world. I’m now accepted. It has thrilled me to the bottom of my very heart.
My husband and I have been practicing Child-friendly living and we are finding ways for little arms and big smiles to embrace us. These heart-grown children are filling us in ways I didn’t know was possible.
I have written in my book, EMPTY HANDS TO OPEN ARMS, from Infertility to possibility about the heart-grown children that I have found. This past Christmas I was so privileged to enjoy the company of Colton* and Karen* (names changed), two heart-grown children, we have known for several years. Colton was quiet but soon engaged us in the latest Star Wars Lego creations he had finished. Karen simply was overjoyed that my husband and I came to visit that she fluctuated between showing us her new toys and snuggling up much like a purring kitty. I think she even emitted a few mews during the evening. It was a challenge to pry those hands off as we attempted to leave with a promise for an over-night stay in the near future. Even more difficult was to pry our hearts off for the time being as we made our way home. It was a two-hour drive. Within minutes of driving away, I was already missing them.
My husband and I are coming to realize that real love hurts. While hellos are welcome, the dread of having to say good-bye has a quiet ouch all of its own. I have found that after our connections in our visits, there is a little emptiness in our empty nest. Coming home after these visits remind me of what I really want. I want those arms around my neck everyday.
Yet I am so fulfilled in taking pleasure in the relationships of these heart-grown children all around me. I am so at peace in having let go of the need to control and to mourn what infertility has cost us. I thank God often that I can trust Him with the future knowing that I can be blessed by these little people friendships.
As our present heart-grown children grow older and eventually grow up, I have the unique privilege of adopting new little loves that smile at me at feeding time and crawl permanently in my heart.
EMPTY HANDS TO OPEN ARMS: from Infertility to Possibility is available at amazon.com; Chapters/Indigo; wordalivepress.com and wherever christian books are sold. It is also available at Kindle and Kobo in ebook format.