I am unsure about these dreary autumn days, when the weather is cooling for no apparent reason and the leaves are making their suicidal leaps into the wind. It’s not that I really mind the yellow-orange and red hues that are beginning to decorate the trees and my driveway. I actually love the fall. I think it’s that it is way too early to give up on the sandals, capris and cool cotton shirts. I find myself longing for the days of summer and technically summer is supposed to still be here.
In a comical moment I tried tying on clumps of leaves onto tree branches to encourage them to “hang in there’ just a little bit longer. The children I care for found this extremely amusing. They giggled when I crazily ran with a group of geese in ‘v’ formation urging them in futility to “come back!”
I find myself describing these days as “in limbo” just as the summer is setting, the winter will dawn and autumn doesn’t seem to fit it’s time. It’s a restless season, wanting to move on and yet longing for the warmth and joys of the past season.
This restlessness is searching… searching for a bit of the unknown joy that is sure to come, yet undefined in this moment. I wonder what I will be, and who I will be and if it is not too late in the autumn of my life to find a new me. My search for meaning as a Mother has brought me to a joy of release of that pressure to engage in motherhood in only one clearly defined way. Giving birth to my own children was not a dream I could possess within my own power. My many attempts to bring children into our home through adoption were exhausting. Finally in surrender, I found that my prayers for meaningful relationships with the “Littles” in my life proved to be all the satisfaction I needed. So why the restlessness now…
In many ways I long for the full defining of pursuit. In looking beyond for a clear possession, regardless of the pain it involved, in hindsight, still seems purposeful. I am looking for a tangible purpose that defines the ‘how’ of bringing glory to the God I serve. In the midst of these sometimes grey days, I am looking for the Sun. Yet I am not sad.
I am searching for the next possibility to achieve, the next goal, the next dream. In my search I am finding the warmth of God’s love for me and His word to me to “Stay Faithful” After all when Jesus walked this earth, He discovered His purpose for His life as He was faithful as a child to “be about His Father’s business’ and then later He remained faithful to the skills His own earthly Father had taught Him. His life in assisting Jesus earthly father as a carpenter gave Him the physical stamina to withstand the tortures of the cross. So each day, as the sun still dawns, I will be about my “Father’s Business” and I will remain faithful to skills I have been taught, until my purpose is further revealed.