There is a defining moment, I think when every person comes to a crossroads in their life. It really doesn’t matter what the issue is. It could be a relationship, change of employment, or terminating attempts to conceive, or adopt. Normally there is a catalyst for a decisive moment to occur. The “Straw that broke the camel’s back” , so to speak. According to Wikipedia, ” The idiom the straw that broke the camel’s back is from an Arabic proverb about how a camel is loaded beyond its capacity to move or stand” These moments come to all of us at some point or several times in one’s life. One moment you are travelling along in a clearly defined direction, then in the next moment the road separates into two unknown paths requesting, no, demanding a decision. A time when what you’ve thought so clearly defined you becomes the very thing that condemns you. The threat of living without, becomes very, very real.
For my husband I, the decision to terminate the attempts to conceive was made for us. In the announcement, from our reproductive physician that we didn’t qualify for IVF treatment, she had sealed our fate in the medical sense. Without Divine intervention, we would be childless. Although I wanted so desperately to give my husband a family he wanted, I could not. Although I yearned for a medical breakthrough to heal my body, it was not to come.
We switched our efforts to investing in adoption. The longings never really changed. I had just swapped sources of how our dream of having a child could come true. I continued to pepper heaven with requests for healing, never really understanding the complex reasons of how I was hindering Him. I was still in control and I wasn’t giving it away.
The adoption process seemed very straight forward at first. Application, paperwork and more paperwork. Our first visit turned to tragedy when after being interviewed we were told that our lives needed time to heal from past situations and stabilize. Once again we were devastated and angry. Although it was the truth for us, so many emotions rocked our boat. During these few years of waiting, I felt that once again I had failed. So many tears and so much longing for a miracle. There wasn’t a lot we could do, but maintain our hope. So we waited and in this waiting period, we healed and I prayed. We allowed our application to stand for a few years before we were asked to join a PRIDE Class with Children’s Aid, (Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education.) We found the classes so informative, and supportive and so enjoyed connecting with other couples that had the same longings that we did. A very intense six weeks followed with our Home Study interviews. We felt like open books, but because it was for a great cause, we opened our hearts. We qualified!! We were approved!! After such intensity, it felt like everything came to a screeching halt. We waited for a match. A child, whose needs we could meet was in the process of being searched for. So once again, we waited and I prayed.
We are still waiting. It has been 7 years and we are accessing whether there is any “wait” left in us. Every two years, the documents like Vulnerable Sector Screening Police Checks, Profile and Medical reports become outdated and need to be redone. This is important to insure nothing has changed. Another delay as this paperwork is updated. This and a misunderstanding with our family physician has caused us to soul search and at this time are facing the painful reality of our preparedness to parent at age 50. We are looking at the possibilities of just letting God be in control and releasing this area of desire and fear of childlessness. You see from the moment I married my husband, I took charge of the child producing process. I tried all I could to make what I thought the route would be for us to have a child. I never considered what God’s ultimate plan was. He is faithful to always ensure we have strength for this journey and that His love can carry us through every sorrow. We are at a crossroads. One path is marked our plan, and the other is marked His plan. Which one will we take? What would it take to let it go?