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It was my heart’s greatest wish. My first baby doll arrived at my fifth Christmas morning. She wore a pink frilly dress, soft white socks and tiny plastic shoes. Her arrival was complete with a blue and white pram. As I peeked under the tree at this small wonder, I let out a squeal and my heart was lit! I would hold my baby girl and smile. To me she was real, tangible and in my own world a fulfilled longing of a Christmas wish.
Years later I would find the news devastating. An existing condition at birth would keep me from holding my own child. If hope deferred makes the heart sick, (Proverbs 13:12), then hope dashed makes the heart break.
Oh how my heart ached for the fulfillment of a perceived or owed promise. Doesn’t God owe me? Isn’t it normal to want what others so easily achieve? These empty hands were meant to be filled weren’t they? My arms ached to hold a little one, safely resting and trusting me to care for her every need, confident that she would not be dropped, hurt or frightened. Is there any other place where this trust is so expressed than in the face of a sleeping child in her mother’s arms? Her heart is at peace, as mine is aching for the gift given to every mother. Desire is imbedded in hope.
Then I think: How much God must long for me and how must His arms ache to hold me, His ‘little one’, safely resting and trusting Him to care for my every need, confident that I would not be dropped, or hurt or frightened.
“My Child, I know your longings. I know the ache; I have My hand pressed calmly on your heart. These longings I have placed there are a deposit from Me. For without those longings, you would lose faith for what I have planned for you. You wouldn’t wage war with time, seeking the result of your faith without the strong desire to see its fulfillment. Peace child, peace my daughter, you’ll see My plan clearly. I am with you on this journey”
My face reflects His peace… and hope reflects desire. I am discovering that desires are not evil; they are part of the process of knowing God. Without the desire for something more, one would never take the leap from desire to hope to trust. Desire is what frames hope, and faith gives it a tangible, “I can almost hold her” type of substance. Desire is always looking for another way to kick-start- hope when hope fades, or is lost. For me resolution is becoming more of just knowing I’m on the right path and to know it’s going to be okay… though I may not hold my own baby daughter I will thrill the day I can join hands with our own adopted child.